Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
