saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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