Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
