Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
