My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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