I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
