saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My bed smells like the plague
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
