If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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