you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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