Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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