I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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