I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
