yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we're making bets on your personal life
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
