In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I FOUND THE LEGS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
