My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
