I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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