get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
