I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
