The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
