Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
