Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
