No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
