Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
