dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
