Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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