3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
