I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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