He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
