Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
