I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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