3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
