btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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