no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found puke in my bra..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
