Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
