Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
