god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
