I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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