im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
