You don't have asthma, your pregnant
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
