My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's the barista slut.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
