i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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