And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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