He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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