Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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