I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize