I need to stop coming to work sober
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
