I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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