Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
