there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
