Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
