Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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