if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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