Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
